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Six Rules of Karaoke Song Singing

Rule one: Full action.

This is a term termed by a karaoke-obsessed Indonesian journalist called Donny Dahono, the very first bloke to ever drag myself along to karaoke, who would blow up with rage if the artist remaining seated, turned away through the crowd, or offered anything at all less than what he defined as “full action”. Donny makes a crucial point. It's unlikely that any of us can really sing at any rate so why not over-compensate with stage existence? Also, to use a radio term, there should never be any “dead air”. When you are getting in make sure everyone has an audio lesson lined up and wait your turn for the first hours, before taking on all-comers in a shameless bet to sing everything.

Rule two: Respect the music.

As a wise karaoke-loving friend applies it: “Karaoke’s not there to become taken seriously, but it’s not regarding showing off or taking the mickey.” Karaoke mustn't be approached with a sense of slacker irony. Air Supply, Barry Manilow, The Carpenters…these are great artists. And if you're singing All Out of Love, Mandy or Superstar, remember you are honored you are to have custody of these a classic song and should try to do it justice over the coming three minutes.

Rule three: Respect the singer.

Anyone that is up there having a proceed should be supported. They should stop laughed at, heckled, howled down. Vocal along is fine, but they shouldn't be drowned out. And except if the song is a duet, don't join the singer about stage unless invited. Additionally - despite those advertising opportunists at Idol turning William “She Bangs” Strung into a minor star, there's nothing innately funny about men and women singing in an Asian accent, even if they are doing Crocodile Rock.

Rule four: Duets are fine nevertheless no group songs.

Until it becomes a group by accident simply because everyone in the room is singing along.

Rule five: No-one will be allowed to do Khe Sanh.

Except Chisel. And no-one’s allowed to do My Way either.

Rule six: Karaoke must be mixed.

That is, mixed in terms of ballads and up-tempo numbers, along with mixed in terms of gender. Although I’m sure it’s fine for women to attend karaoke in a group, there’s something a lttle bit effete about doing it with all males, which no amount of Dark Sabbath can erase.

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